..."because I can't see it".
UPDATE: I just want to thank everybody for the support I've been given. Everything I wrote was during one of my dark moments which happens a couple of times per week and writing about it actually helped me to get through it that time. It doesn't exactly hurt knowing how supportive you are either, it really helps. For everyone struggling with similar battles, I hope you'll win too. I'm sure I will, we just need to figure out exactly what's causing this so we can start dealing with it and right now it seems like we're on the right track. Once again, thank you all for the support. I can't thank you enough.
I will drop the whole "pretend to be all happy and stuff because it's best for the business" thing. People get sick, sometimes mentally, sometimes writing about it helps, sometimes writing about it helps others as well. You're not alone. Art helps me to express feelings and sometimes the art can even help me to put feelings into words as I've gotten to think about it through the process. This is a subject close to my heart because I'm completely against sweeping mental illnesses under the rug. And not just mental illnesses but just feelings in general. Sometimes you just feel sad or angry without being sick and still it's generally seen down upon to express such feelings in an open forum while you're allowed to share success and happiness. What effect does that have on people? What standards do some really think that they have to meet up to when only seeing a bunch of happy people everywhere and you can't relate at all.
I seeked professional help around 5 months ago. I did it because I was scared of the developement. I had my first depression at the age of 14 and even if I manage to get moments where I feel good, it always comes back. The worrying part is that every time it has come back it has gotten worse and worse, probably because now I don't just have regular "teenage issues" anymore, but I've managed to pull some real issues into the mix, I've become a dissapointment of the society in which I cost it money instead of contributing. I'm a bother. The society puts more into me now because I've been moved from primary health care to mental health care. Instead of just having a curator trying to help me I now have a doctor, curator and psychologist. No treatment has started yet because we're starting from scratch, trying to figure out if I have different or more diagnoses than the ones I've already gotten. Although I've gotten a few tips on how to cope and some of them have already been found to be useful.
I'm feeling hopeful towards new treatment (I'm still against pills though, more than the ones I'm already one which is the reason to why I eat and sleep). But it was around five months ago when I asked for help and by then I was already running out of energy. Things happened in my life back then and I was hopeful that things may actually finally work out for me. But I thought that things would get better once I started getting help, that things would start to get easier. Instead things has gotten harder and I'm questioning wether I put all my energy into a losing battle.
Some things has started to look better for me as I tried to make change in my life. But I've been completely unable to enjoy it. This is the first depression in which I do not feel happiness at all, which is why it scared me at first. Then I realised that there was another stage which was even worse, the stage where you feel nothing at all. Nothing physically, nothing mentally. Luckily for me, these moments doesn't stay, they generally happens in smaller periods ranging from a couple of hours to a few days. Then I go back to just feeling bad. And that's what makes me feel like it's unfair. When finally things are working out for me (although there's a lot of things I need to fix in order to be in a decent situation, still some things has happened which are really positive) I can't enjoy it. When I consider that maybe I should just be without these things I feel pain. I just can't enjoy anything while it lasts. I finally got something I've wanted for such a long time and I feel... nothing. Until I consider sparing that one thing my company, then it hurts. Until the thought of "well that's what you deserve anyway" happens. Then everything somehow feels like it's exactly like it's supposed to be.
I'm not alone about having these feelings, neither am I alone about having these thoughts. I hope that I'll return in a few months to write "hey, they found out exactly what's wrong with me. We have started treatment and I'm responding well to it. I was finally able to feel happiness today, you know that kind that makes you feel excited, feel those good butterflies in the stomach and just warms you up. I wake up every morning in my very own apartment and go to a job where I can fully pay for myself. I'm not a burden or dissappointment for my family or the society anymore." I'm in a shitty state, but you still see me working right? I still bring some games, some artworks. I still find it worth to get up from bed every morning. Sometimes it takes me a couple of hours and I stare at the wall for a while, but I get up. I feel tired, like I just want to drop everything and go to sleep, but somehow for whatever reason, I still don't want to give up. And that is very useful right now.
So if you ever feel down. If you feel like you're a burden. If you're sick and it feels like you can't carry the rock on your back anymore. Please remember, you're not alone. I'm currently in a state where I'm not much help for others, I'm so tired that right now in this very moment, my bonds with people close to me are rotting. I can listen though (or well, in most cases, read), I'm a person who won't judge you for traits that are seen as flaws even though you never did anything to make them appear.
I also have a useful thing to remember. I read about this on a tumblr post but I'm skeptical about most things I read online, then my psychologist actually said this herself so I got it confirmed that this may actually help. If you ever feel the need to self-harm, using ice cubes may actually help. So could a cold shower. I wouldn't want to tell people to cause a feeling of pain or discomfort, but when the other option is much more harmful, I'll promote ice cubes and cold water any day. I wanted to mention this for anyone who might need it, I think this should be well known as it could at least help someone.
For now this is more than enough for the day. I wrote this for ventilation purposes as well as showing that you don't always have to be perfect. As I mentioned earlier, pretending like verything is just swell all the time rubs me the wrong way. I have no problems with showing that I've failed in many ways, but that I also feel hopeful that I can start again. Ironically I also have a throbbing headache right now so I think going to bed is the right thing to do. It's not neccessary for anyone to feel obligied to write anything, I have a psychologist to go to so I'll be fine! For now one-way communication is more than enough for me but if you feel the need to ventilate as well, I won't mind it. That's the very thing I encourage. Ventilating just got me through a dark moment, if it could do the same for you then it would only be good.
But yeah, throbbing headache and nausea that has been clinging onto me for the past two weeks, I think it's time for bed. I wish the best for all of you and please take care of yourself, you deserve it.